The one-liner thread... got any?

['The Gaffer']

Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite - All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.

Got an e-mail today from a bored local housewife, 43, who was looking for some hot action!  So I sent her my ironing. That'll keep her busy.

I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.

After a night of drink, drugs and wild s ex Bill woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman.  That's when he realised he had made it home safely.

My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 5 hours to hoover the  house.  Turns out she was a Slovak.

I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.

After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy.  Nothing.

A lad comes  home from school and excitedly tells his dad that he had a part in the school play and he was playing a man who had been married for 25 years. The dad says, "Never mind son, maybe next year you'll get a speaking part."

Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat. That's a lot. Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just £2 a month: time to change supplier I think.

2 women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, when I said white they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes. I think they were Hovis Witnesses.

[Grin-a-lot]

A coach load of terrapins crashed into a van carrying tortoises; it was a turtle disaster...

[peetee]

boom boom!

[Quarrycars]

Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic insomniac...lay awake all night wondering if there is a dog.

Come to think of it...why is dyslexic such a hard word to spell?

The was an insomniac that lay awake all night wondering why he couldn't sleep...then it dawned on him.

If you make instant coffee in a microwave do you go back in time?

If a cluttered workbench is a sign of a cluttered mind... what is an empty bench a sign of?

If it wasn't for half the people in this world...the other half would be all of them.

[paintman]

Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an ass h*le. 

I don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die. 

Never hit a man with glasses........Hit him with a baseball bat!

[Grin-a-lot]

The seven dwarves were in the bath feeling Happy, so  Happy got out.

[Grin-a-lot]

I quit my job at the helium factory; I wasn't going to be spoken to in that tone.

I used to work in a factory making clown shoes; that was no small feat.

I worked as a travelling trampoline salesman but sales were a bit up and down.

[Daley Down Under]

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer. 

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. 

We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public. 

War does not determine who is right - only who is left. 

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.   

Politicians and nappies have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

[Grin-a-lot]

I used to be a trapeze artist but they let me go.

[Sprint 7]

The HR manager at the jigsaw factory said he was sure he could fit me in.
Why do polar bears have fur coats----- they look silly in plastic macs!
Polar bear cub to dad--Dad am I a real polar bear?Course you are son ,why do you ask?Well, I'm bloody freezing!
For all your DIY needs try Ace timber Co ---Branches all over the country!!

['The Gaffer']

Here we go...

Two lions walking down the high street. One turns to the other and says "Quiet round here, isn't it?"

Statistically, 9 out 10 people enjoy gang rape...

But... statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not happy

I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on....

I was reading this book today, The History of Glue. I couldn't put it down.

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best before End'...

I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years....

A woman told her doctor, 'I've got a bad back. 'The doctor said, 'It's old age.' The woman said, 'I want a second opinion. 'The doctor says, 'OK. you're ugly as well.'

I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.

A man walked into the doctor's, The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time' ..The man replied, 'I know I've been ill'... 

I bought some powdered water the other day, but I've no idea what to add.

Man in a restaurant gets hit in the back of the head with a prawn cocktail. The guy who threw it is a big fella, catches the bloke's eye and shouts, "That's just for starters!"...

The wife just told me that Gavin from Auto Windscreens has been around and injected his special resin into her crack. Now I'm not usually suspicious, but she hasn't even got a car!

I know how those poor buggers in Haiti felt. The last time I had 30 aftershocks, I couldn't find my house either....

My wife asked me what was on the TV and I said dust.

I went to a fancy dress party the other day dressed as a loaf of bread... the birds were all over me!

George Michael has been found with a chocolate bar up his bum. A prison spokesperson said it was a careless whisper...

I was going to tell you all the joke about the 50 foot wall, but you'd never get over it........

Was at a football match in Tokyo recently at the end of the game all the players stopped playing footy and started doing martial arts....I asked the guy sat next to me what was going on.... He said 'its 4 minutes of ninjary time'......

Read in the paper the other day a doctor got sacked for stealing urine samples... Apparently he was taking the piss...

What's the first sign of Madness?... Suggs walking down your drive...


Ok, that's it - stop me now!!!!

[Denzle]

 (1)   Two blondes walk into a building.............you`d think at least one of them would
         have seen it.....

(2)   Phone answering machine message............If you want to buy marijuana, press
        the hash key......

(3)    A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for shorts.....The shrink
         says,  "Well, I can clearly see your nuts"....

(4)    I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day....but I couldnt find any.
           ...... ....... ......

(5)    I called in the butchers yesterday and bet him £50 that he couldnt reach the
         meat off the top shelf.   He said...No way, the steaks are too high......

(6)    My friend drowned last week in a bowl of muesli..A strong currant pulled him in.
           ..... .......

(7)    A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.   He shouted,  Doctor..
         ......Doctor, I cant feel my legs!"..........The Doctor replied, I know you cant
        Ive cut your arms off.....

(    I went to a seafood disco last week....and pulled a muscle.....

(9)    Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly...So they lit a fire in the craft, It
         sank,  proving once and for all....That you cant have your kayak and heat it...

(10)   Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered in hundreds
          and thousands.....Police say that he had topped himself...... ....

(11)    Man goes to the Doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.....
           ...Doc says......I will give you some cream to put on it.....

(12)    Doc...I cant stop singing  "The Green, Green Grass of Home"
          That sounds like the Tom Jones syndrome to me.....   Is it common..?
          "Well" Its not unusual"..... .......... ........ ........

(13)    A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet......   My dog is cross eyed, is there
           anything you can do for him..?    `Well, said the vet, lets have a look at him,
           so he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth.
           Finally, he says,..... Im sorry but Im going to have to put him down..
           "WHAT" ?    Because he`s cross eyed ?    No, because hes really heavy.....

(14)    Guy goes into the doctors....   Doc, Ive got a cricket ball stuck up my bottom,
            "Hows That" said the Doc......     Dont you start.....

(15)     Two elephants walk off a cliff....boom.....boom!......

(16)     What do you call a fish with no eyes.................A....fsh.

(17)     I was getting into my car, and this bloke came up to me and said...Can you
            give me a lift ?
            I said sure....You look great, the worlds your oyster,  go for it......

(18)     Apparently,  1 in 5 people in the world are chinese......There are 5 people in
            my family, so it must be one of them.
            Its either my Mum or my Dad........or my older brother Colin, or my younger
            brother...Ho-Cha-Chu.   But I think its Colin......

(19)     Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other..."Your round"....The other
            one says..."So are you you fat B*****d......

(20)     Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid and the
            other was eating fireworks.......So they charged one and let the other off.
             ....... ....... ........ ....... ....... ...... ...... ...... ...... ......

(21)     You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving the other day,
            They left a note on the windscreen.  It said....Parking Fine.  That was so nice.
            .....                                                                                                          

(22)     A man walked into the Doctors,...and said.....  Ive hurt my arm in several
            places... The Doctor said .... "Well, dont go to those places any more".....

(23)     Irelands worst air disaster occured early this morning when a small two
           seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetary...........Irish search and rescue
           workers have recovered 2,826 bodies so far but expect that number to rise
           as digging continues into the night...... ...... ......

          Now get up off the floor if you can......... ....... ......

[Daley Down Under]

Best of the bunch ... so far ...

[Denzle]

Best of the bunch ... so far ...

Its the way I tell um......

[peetee]

A new Army Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the Afghan Desert.
During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent. He asked the Sergeant why the camel was kept there. The nervous sergeant  said, 'Sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post and no women, sometimes the men have urges, that's why we have  Molly The Camel.

The Captain said, 'I can't say that I condone this, but I can understand about the 'urges', so the camel can stay.'

About a month later, the Captain starts having his own 'urges'. Crazed with passion, he asked the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls his pants down and has wild and insane sex with the camel. When he's done, he asked the Sergeant, 'Is that how the men do it?'

'No sir. They usually just ride the camel into town.
That's where the girls are.

[Denzle]

Nice one Peetee....

.Just goes to show how some dirty minds think....even in the upper classes.....

['The Gaffer']

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid.  When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time....

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave.  As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it.  I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!

I was at a cashpoint yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

A new Middle East crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'.  A spokesman for the channel said. "A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour, but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do."

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!!  B******s to this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

Went around to a friend's house today. His wife was sat there with their new-born baby. She asked if I'd like to wind it.  I thought that was a bit harsh so I gave it a dead leg instead.

I start a new job in Seoul next week.  I thought it was a good Korea move.

I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable.  I thought to myself 'that guy's heading for a breakdown.'

On holiday recently in Spain I saw a sign that said 'English speaking Doctor' - I thought, 'What a good idea, why don't we have them in our country?'



Via Petes email.

[Denzle]

....Boom....Boom.....

[paintman]

Like the last one!

[dikkie]

Wife moaning to husband.

"you never take me anywhere expensive anymore"

"Get your coat on" he said.

"Where are you taking me?"

"the f-ing petrol station!"

[paintman]

Great joke Peetee......love it!    lol.

[Denzle]

Wife moaning to husband.

"you never take me anywhere expensive anymore"

"Get your coat on" he said.

"Where are you taking me?"

"the f-ing petrol station!"

..........Brilliant joke.........  dikkie.. .... .....

[Denzle]

Like the last one!

Ye...like the last one as well....Soooooooooooooo true... ...

[Grin-a-lot]

It works better verbally in a Fred Flintstone voice but:

The people in Iraq don't like the Flintstones but those in Abu Dhabi do...

[Grin-a-lot]

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

I sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl. I kept thinking to myself, please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection...but she did.

[Denzle]

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

I sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl. I kept thinking to myself, please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection...but she did.

Boom Boom....Like them...    Denzle

['The Gaffer']

Heres a few more to keep this thread going.....

After 200 metres turn left. Then turn right. Then boldly go where no man has gone before' - I knew we shouldn't have bought a Shatnav.

I searched for directions to the Open Golf Championship, but couldn't find the right links.

Then I called about joining a climbing club, but the prices were a bit steep.

The food at the Titanic's okay, but it can be a bit pricey, so don't go overboard.

You hear about the guy who opened a new, very original hostess bar in Phnom Penh? Neither have I...

My mate Paddy just called to say that he ransacked an Argos store during the recent riots...he has 500 Argos catalogues if anybody wants one...

... He went on to loot Ladbrokes - and lost fifty quid.

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse.

A mate of mine walked into the pub with a fish on his head. The fish was positioned quite high on his head with its broad tail hanging down the back of his neck like a curtain... "Evening Dave!" I said, "Nice mullet."

My neighbour came up to me earlier and said, "Fancy trading some insults?"...  I said, "Not with you."

Whats george micheal and a welly got in common?... they both get sucked off in bogs..

My neighbour called me over the garden wall today and asked me if I knew anything about washing missing off her line...
F****** Hell... I nearly crapped her pants.....

Saw a chameleon today... So I guess it's safe to say it was a pretty crap chameleon.

I was invited to a fancy dress contest the other day I decided to go as an oven, I arrived and my friend was also there dressed as an oven, he was quite annoyed and said 'When I rang you, you said you were going as a parrot' ...I replied 'No, I said I was going as a cooker-too'

The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers....... so I did....she's 21 and her name's Lucy.

I was at work yesterday when a female colleague asked me what my ring tone was. I said "light brown like everyone else's". These women are certainly more forward these days.

I walked into a toilet earlier and read a sign saying, 'Please leave this toilet how you would like to find it!' ... So I left a line of coke on the side with a rolled up £50 note.

Doctor, Doctor, I keep hearing funny voices from my trousers! ..Don't worry there just talking boll**ks.

My wife had a job interview for a camera store the other day. Before she left, she knew I'd have a joke lined up, and so she said "please don't give me any of your silly puns, like, You're a snappy dresser, or it'll be over in a flash...  "So I punched her in the face, and said: "That bruise should develop in about an hour and if you interrupt my jokes again, well, you get the picture.."

This morning on the way to work I drove into the back of a car at some lights whilst not really paying attention. The driver got out and he was a dwarf... He said, "I'm not happy. "I replied, "Well, which one are you then?"

Stephen Hawking was admitted to hospital last night with a sprained wrist, fractured collar bone and broken leg... Apparently his date last night stood him up!!

I joined the Tourettes society today. It only took a minute to swear me in..

Sadly my plans for an anti-gravity bra have gone tits up..

Anyway, right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time - I think I've forgotten this before.

That's all for now folks.

['The Gaffer']

Just a few more.


I've got a job at the old folks homes as a comedian, they dont get my jokes but they still piss their pants!

A bloke just knocked on the door and told me he saw my dog chasing a bloke down the street on a bike earlier... Must be b*llocks, my dog doesn't even own a bike.

Thieves are stealing telescopes off Blackpool front during the night and replacing them with kaleidoscopes... Police say there may be a pattern developing.

Saw Derek Acorah get headbutted straight in the face earlier. Police are looking for a man of medium height..

My wife gets an instant orgasm when she hears guys singing with high voices... I think she's found her BeeGee spot...

My mate came round last night and said, "Why is your wife playing a lute whilst riding a bike?"  I replied, "Don't worry. It's just her monthly minstrel cycle."

The wife said she's leaving me because of my obsession with 90's girl groups...  I said tell me what you want, what you really really want..

I was sitting with the wife watching a documentary about man's inventions..  "What to you reckon man's greatest invention was?" I asked her...    "It has to be electricity" she replied "Because without it we'd be watching this programme in the dark"

I was having lunch at the Sushi Bar when my wife phoned and asked where I was...  I told her and she yelled "Don't shush me, you drunken b*astard!"

I told my wife to make sure she gives 100% today... She's on her way to donate blood.

I phoned the wife and said, "When you come home tonight, the flat will be completely candlelit." She said, "Aww, why, are you cooking a romantic meal?" ..... I said, "No, I haven't paid the electric bill."

I went into the pharmacy to buy a box of condoms.. "Would you like a bag?," asked the clerk...  "No," I replied. "She isn't that ugly." ..

Apparently St George was made a saint for having the courage to stand up to a big scary dragon...  Fair play to the fella I tried that once and had to spend the next 6 months in the spare room.

I walked past a pet shop with my wife earlier... I said, "Look at that ugly dog in the window." She walked up to the glass and said, "What dog?" ...."That one" I replied, pointing at her reflection..

My wife said to me that she thinks i'm a bit obsessive about my job as a horticulturist...  "Where do you think this stems from petal?" I replied.

My wife sent me a text with a link attached to a fancy dress website with the message "this is waiting for you when you get home" ...When I opened the link it was a picture of a girl in sexy nurses costume.... I texted back "Thanks very much, she's gorgeous"

My wife asked me for something that went from 0 - 200 in under 3 seconds...  So i got her some scales.

I wasn't sure how my wife would react when she realised that i'd brought her to a Bukkake party...  To my surprise she took it on the chin.

My ex wife used to say I was too stupid to finish a sentence, but I proved her

Today, I attended a popular ''Blind Person Convention'' in my local town. Boy was it packed... everyone and their dog was there!

I'm getting sick and tired of these wasted shopping trips. Wicks had a really disappointing candle selection...  And don't even get me started about Curry's.

Got in a Taxi and the driver said "You'll never guess who I had in the back of my cab today"....  I said "It's pointless me trying then".

I held the door for a little old lady in the shop today...  We all laughed as she banged on the window shouting, "Let me in."

My doctor told me I needed glasses... I told him not to worry, I drink straight out of the bottle.

I saw a sign in the pub that said "In Event Of Fire, Break Glass." ... I thought "F*ck that, I'm taking my drink with me."

Archaeologists digging on a Pyramid in Egypt have found a mummy covered in chocolate and nuts...  Experts believe it to be Pharaoh Roche.

People think I'm weird because I'm addicted to laxatives...  But really I'm just a regular guy.

I sent a load of Pot Noodles to a Drought Appeal.. They E-Mailed me to say "Thanks, but they're no good". ....Ungrateful b*stards.

My job is really stressful, every day I have to deal with murderers, terrorists and rapists...  I'm starting to regret ever opening a balaclava shop.

My local job centre is rubbish. They asked me if I had any specific skills. "Yes, I worked as a butcher for 10 years and a joiner for 8 years" I said..  I start at Cow and Gate on Monday.

The Government is to introduce compulsory MicroChips for all dogs in England... Morons. My Rover only likes Pedigree Chum.

I bought myself a new 24 hour clock yesterday...  It's rubbish. It only lasted a day.

The man who took Ryan Air to court after losing his luggage has lost his case.

Dyslexic cloak room attendants...  They really get my goat.

I was unable to perform at a music night recently so I left a note.

Just met a singing oven..  He had a great range..


And one more for the road..

After a bird shi*t on me, the wife said "Hang on,I've got a tissue in my bag"...  I said "Don't be stupid, it'll be miles away now".



Credit to Vital Villan

['The Gaffer']

Getting away from one liners here but heres a few jokes courtesy of Hairy Santa


Wife comes home early and catches Hubby having a jerk in the kitchen. She rushes over and gives him the blow job of his life.
Afterwards he says "We haven't had sex for 6 months and suddenly this . . . Why ??"
She answers "I only washed the floor this morning. I'd rather clean my teeth than get the mop out again!!"

Irish newlyweds turn up at their hotel and ask for the honeymoon suite. The receptionist asks "Do you have reservations?"
Bride says "Well . . .  I'm a bit worried about taking it up the arse !!"


Paddy caught his Wife having an affair and decided to kill her and himself.  He puts the gun to his head, looks at his Wife and says "Don't laugh, your next !!"


Woman goes to the Doctors and says "I'm getting too much discharge".
Doctor says "Pop your knickers off and slip onto the bed". He puts on his latex gloves and applies 3 fingers into her vagina.
"How does that feel?" he asks.
"F***ing lovely" she replies "But the discharge is in my ear !"


An Irishmen wanting to become a Priest went to see the Bishop who said "You must answer 3 questions on the Bible".
"1st - Who was born in a stable?" "Red Rum" he replied
"2nd - What do you think of Damascus?" "It kills 99% of all germs" he replied.
"3rd - What happened when the disciples went to Mount Olive" "That's easy" he said "Popeye kicked the crap out of them!!".


Little boy gets home from school and says "Dad, I've got a part in the school play as a man who's been married for 25 years."
His Dad replies "Never mind Son. Maybe next time you'll get a speaking part!!"


Two Irishmen looking through a mail order catalogue.
Paddy says "Look at these gorgeous women! The prices are reasonable too."
Mick agrees "I'm ordering one right now"
3 weeks later Paddy says to Mick "Has your woman turned up yet?"
"No" said Mick "but it shouldn't be long now though. Her clothes arrived yesterday!!"


What is it??

Give it here"
"No, it's mine"
"Let me have it"
"It's my turn!"
"You had it last"
Censored off!!"
"Come on gimme it"
"No way!"
"But it's my go!!"

.... Siamese twins having a Censored


The police came to my front door last night, holding a picture of my Wife.  They said "Is this your Wife Sir?" Shocked, I answered "Yes!".  They said "I'm afraid it looks like she's been in a car accident". I said "I know but she has a lovely personality!"


Teacher asks class to put the word contagious in a sentence.
Ron says "The measles are contagious".
Katie says "There is a bug going round and it's contagious"
Little Johnny says "My neighbour's painting his house with a 2 inch brush and Dad says it will take the contagious!!"


Man walks into WH Smith and says "Do you have the new self-help book for men with really small dicks?"
Girl says "I don't think it's in yet"
He replies "Yeah, that's the one!!"


Thought I'd better throw a couple more in...


I was my local pub The Pit Bull & Stanley Knife last night, for the weekly quiz night. The first question was "By what other name is Britain's Gross Domestic Product also known?" 
Apparently "The Missus" wasn't the answer they were looking for. Hmmm, may have to Google that one!

A fella comes home from work only to find his son playing on a new Xbox: "how did you afford that Xbox, they cost up to £200" "Easy dad, I earned it hiking." The guy replied "I don't understand, how did you earn money hiking?"
The lad sez, " When I come home from school and Uncle Tommy is here with mum, he always gives me a tenner and tells me "hey kid, go take a hike."

Three boy scouts were talking. First one sez, "They're bringing back 'Bob A Job' week." The second scout replies, "What's a bob?" The third one asks, "What's a job?"

A young boy went to a horse auction with his father. He watched his father move from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs, rump, and chest. After a few minutes, the boy asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"   
His dad replies, "It's to ensure that the animal is fit and has no injuries, before you buy it."   
The lad thought for a minute and said, "I think Albert from next door wants to buy mummy."...

I phoned that insurance company that constantly advertises on telly today and said, "I would like you to save me £400 on my car insurance like you did for the guy in your advert." "Okay" they said, "How much is your car insurance at the moment?" I said, "£400."

The missus said, "New year, same old lazy you. I hope you've got something good planned for Valentines day." I said, "I have indeed. I think I'll take the Christmas decorations down."

I was talking to my Nan the other day when suddenly, I then realised that everyone else in the Indian Restaraunt was giving me weird looks.

"Come on in," I said to the neighbour at the front door. "I'd rather not," she said, "I've got dirty feet." "That doesn't matter," I said. "You can keep your shoes on."

Sometimes, we discover that we have hidden talents. Whilst organising a day out, I phoned The Blue Planet Aquarium on the Wirral. They said my call may be recorded for training Porpoises. Incredible!!

All this January sales lark gubbins ain't all it's cracked up to be, I went to Boots, they don't sell boots, went to Currys, they dont sell curry, went to Selfridges, they don't sell fridges, and as for that Virgin Megastore, well what a f***ing let down that was!

......

['The Gaffer']

Ok time for a few more jokes... 50 of 'em actually

1. A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!" The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you."

2. "I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a sh*tzu."

3. "Dyslexic man walks into a bra"

4. A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"

5. A classic Tommy Cooper gag "I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays", was fifth.

6. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other one off.

7. Two aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married. The ceremony was rubbish - but the reception was brilliant.

8. Another one was: Doc, I can't stop singing the 'Green Green Grass of Home'. He said: 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?'I asked. 'It's not unusual' he replied.

9. I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.

10. A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road."

11. I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'Have you got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite.

12. My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.

13. I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah; I thought, "He's trying to pull a fast one".

14. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal.' The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan'. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

15. There's two fish in a tank, and one says "How do you drive this thing?"

16. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

17. When Susan's boyfriend proposed marriage to her she said: "I love the simple things in life, but I don't want one of them for my husband".

18. "My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that."

19. I rang up British Telecom, I said, "I want to report a nuisance caller", he said "Not you again".

20. I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

21. A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything"

22. Slept like a log last night........ Woke up in the fireplace.

23. A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, "Is this some kind of joke?"

24. A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here"

25. The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said "Did you get my drift?".

26. I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.

27. Went to the paper shop - it had blown away.

28. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "because," he said "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

29. I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said, "Are you two an item?"

30. I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite......... one jar.

31. So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".

32. Four fonts walk into a bar the barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here"

33. I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.

34. There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

35. I went down the local supermarket, I said, "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said, "Those are pickled onions".

36. I backed a horse last week at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four.

37. I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts." Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for! You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!"

38. A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins, What a turtle disaster

39. My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know! If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

40. I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?" I said, "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".

41. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. But when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

42. I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bisatchel.

43. You see my next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.

44. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

45. I tried water polo but my horse drowned.

46. I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

47. So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was Wedgie Kray.

48. Went to the corner shop - bought 4 corners.

49. A seal walks into a club...

50. I went to the Doctors the other day, and he said, 'Go to Bournemouth, it's great for flu'. So I went - and I got it.

[Moleman]

Is that why you now have a kite Phil? (number 11)   

[Quarrycars]

Speaking of kites:
This guy is running back and for with a kite but it keeps on going up then hitting the ground, his wife comes out and says "you need more tail" he says "I know but you told me to go fly a kite!"

[Bulldog Bri]

To Hell with it, let's offend everyone!


I came out of the chip shop with a meat/potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage.
A poor homeless man, sitting there, said, "I've not eaten for two  days."
I  told him, "I wish, I had your will power!"

I took my biology exam last Friday.
I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells.
Apparently "young blacks" and "Romanian gypsies" were not the correct  answers.

A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunch time today.
She said, "Sorry  about the wait."
I said, "Don't worry dear. You might lose it eventually."

Snow in the forecast!
The TV weather girl said, she was expecting 8 inches tonight.
I thought to myself, "Fat chance with a face like that!"

An  Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road.
A man asks him,"What's wrong?"
The boy says,"Me ma is dead".
"Oh bejaysus,"the man says.
"Do you want me to call Father O'Riley for you?"
The boy replies,"No tanks mister. Sex is the last ting on my mind at the moment."

Years ago it was suggested, that an apple a day kept the doctor away.
But since all the doctors are now muslims, I've found that a bacon sandwich works better !

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such an immensely fast shutter-speed,
that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth shut.

I  hate all this terrorist business.
I used to love the days, when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or a bus,
and think to yourself, "I'm gonna take that!"

Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Ireland.
He looks down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts down to him, "Where am I ?"
The Irish farmer looks back up and shouts back, "You can't fool me. You're in that basket up there."

I  had a Trivia Competition in the bag until the very last question,----which I got wrong.
The question was, "Where do women have the curliest hair ?"
Apparently the correct answer was Fiji.

A  woman has a medical at the doctors.
"You are grossly overweight," he says.
"I want a 2nd opinion," she exclaims.
" OK. You're bloody ugly as well."


That should more or less, cover it all . . .   

[YellaBelly]

10/10 there Bri